Blogitty blog blog.

It's always the same, I guess I'll learn from my mistakes this time?  Nah, I doubt it.

My year and a half living on my own has been full of fail, I've struggled each month, am in heaps load of debt and spiritually and physically exhausted. I'm almost ready to quit college and move back home, but I'm not going to do that. My parents have been wanting to move up near me for a while and it may turn out they'll be doing more than that as we may have to become roommates. I would simply say I'm having to move back in with the rents, but being technically I'm still paying for half the rent...I see it slightly different. My pride is taking a bit of a kick having to do this, but I need to save what I can of my measly monthly income and both my parents and I are short on funds and scraping by to survive. Life has been butt hurt difficult and we both want me to continue my schooling so this is the only alternative.

On a related note I'm going to have to apply for more loans, being student aid isn't awarding me any grants this year. Since technically my family made "too" much to qualify...funny how that works as I'm barely surviving on ramen and rice and they're essentially doing the same but in the setting of a beat up tiny little trailer.

No new computer then (I'd honestly settle with my acer if it wasn't dead over this antique I'm using to simply get online). Still have to worry about paying off my medical bills and car payments. My insurance is going to remain ass high because of said payments...and I guess the continued hermit like existence of school work and room, because I lack gas to do anything else. I'll take up sewing to fix all my clothing which doesn't fit me right anymore and I guess I'll have to apologize to my friends and family I promised to visit this year again. It's heartbreaking I can't see my loved ones especially since I wanted to visit my grandma in Asia this year. I might still be able to find a way though...if I try hard enough.

I'm not complaining, it's life and I'm surviving but the bumps in the road are really starting to shake me.

I work six out of seven days a week, I technically got a raise this month, and yet I still have three maxed credit card and seventy dollars overdrafted on my checking account.  I'm more broke than I've ever been, I have no money for food at all till my next pay check next friday.  I also had the worst day I've had yet on Monday, I had no sleep, got stuck in butt traffic for an hour, my car broke down, went to work two hours late, to top it off my hair turned into a black/blonde/purple mess.  I was seriously on the brink of just either punching something or crying...but at the same time this week has been the best I've had in a long time.  I spent some time with the nicest girl, though she had to leave me too.  But for the time that was spent I smiled every second, and for once I could say I was genuinley happy. And though I may still be parnoid that the world is out to get me, I no longer think that I'm not allowed to feel any joy besides the fleeting.

Floating like I'm flying but falling like I'm drowning....I'm very quiet, but I don't really have anything to say or maybe, just maybe I want to say so much that the words escape me.  I'm sorry.  I'll look away now.

I find it an odd feeling being a young screenwriter...and I say young not merely because I am early in my life, but also because writing film has only been a short experience for me, it took me twenty years to realize that this is what I enjoy doing, but at this point I am still uncertain if my stories are worthy of being put to screen or if it is even I am who is supposed to  set these pieces into that form.

Two of my screenplays have been put into works by groups of amature film makers on campus, one group I know personally and I think merely is making it due to the lack of any other script available...the other found my story  tied with adjectives as "cute and captivating" but the fact it also written to serve a very low budget shot probably also garnered their interest.

The second story I am doing also myself for a short project for a class...interesting to have two films made based on the same script, and espesially since one is being done by the writer himself...but of course those i have with me to make the film is lacking in the enthusiasm or zest at all for my film they simply are in search of a grade...so my doubts are there in what film is really mine...the one where I'm in charge but serve as the only heart, or the other where I am not even there  but there's those who share my obscured vision, well  hopefully.

I fear both will be a failure in their own aspects and I feel as some of my ideas in the past have also proven to be step backs in the direction from which I want to head.

So far I am t he short film writing of my gang of hack film makers here, yet also the only one who lacks the form training in it, mind you I know how to write a script but the ironic aspect is I am in  no writing classes at the moment one of my film classes actually opposes writing and tells us simply to create with no real structure.  My other associates here are mediocre at best in their story achievements and are both being groomed in the way of the screenplay.

That then feeds another insecurity, being what I consider to be but perhaps not as knowledgable as the others in what I do...I'm thinking of writing a full feature soon, based on a silly idea i had for a class but was scrapped last term.  I'm thinking it would be a very easy film to sell though and at the same time it can still encompass my ideals...I'm not going to go into detail what is is about yet not until I finish writing it...a small part of me wants though dreams though of selling it...for real that is.

I want my big break, I want to achieve, but at the moment it's simply wimsy and dreams, no more real then what I put down on paper.

I was also told something said in one of the films based on my writings, "he wrote it but he doesn't really have much to do with it"...maybe that's true? I don't know but it is a little disheartening.

also why does she have to say shit like that? It fucking pisses me off and makes me think I'm not who I'm supposed to be.  Can no one just accept me how I am? Blarrrgah!

I was totally right about the estimate on my car...fucking a...goodbye nikon d80.

two of my scripts have be opted by different groups to be used in the campus film festivals...mind you it's just students who have decided that they like my stories enough to want to revolve a film around but you know...it's still pretty nice for my ego...you know if I had one.

I hate bumming rides, but I need to get where I'm going somehow.  Bus routes here make no sense either.  I hate work now, manager had to make me feel like I don't do enough.  I dislike my fop group, none of them can write and they don't like my ideas.  Fuck them I'll make my own shit.  I hope my car will be ok...I really need them wheels back soon.